Warning!!!
This post contains some major spoilers about Star Wars Episode VII. So, if you
haven’t seen it yet, you may not want to read this rant.
Okay, so, I
saw the new Star Wars movie earlier today, and at first, it started off
awesome!!! I loved the new characters. I loved Poe and Fin and Rey. And I loved
how everyone played off each other’s energy. And when Han Solo and Chewbacca
got into the story, it got even better. In fact, as I was watching the movie, I
was making silent plans in the back of my mind to try and get tickets for a
later show that night and/or the next day. I was already planning on seeing the
movie several more times because I was enjoying it so much!!!!!
Now, you
have to understand that I didn’t really read anything about this film. I
intentionally avoided a lot of Star Wars stuff, just so I could be surprised when
I saw the movie.
Well, I got
a surprise….and not a pleasant one. Warning. Here comes the spoiler! Han Solo
dies in this piece of garbage film. And not only does Han Solo die but he dies
at the hands of this whiny, little piece of crap, sniveling, bitch character who’s
prone to little temper tantrums, and oh, by the way, this whiny, little bitch
character is Han Solo and Princess Leia’s son. What? Are you gonna cry, you
little bitch? Oh, do you feel the pulse of the light? Shut up!
Now, before
one of you tells me that I just can’t handle the death of a major character,
let me tell you something. I was sad when Yoda died, yes, but I understood that
it was time for the character to die, and it was important to the story in that
it solidified the fact that Luke Skywalker was really the last of the Jedi; he
was everyone’s last hope. (Yes, except for Leia, I know.) And it was kinda sad
to see Vader die, even though he was a bad guy, because you walk away from the
film with a sense of loss and finality about the story. But, I still understood
why Vader had to die in the story.
Now, when
Obi-wan died, it wasn’t really that sad because, now listen carefully, he
actually spoke to Luke at the end of the movie. Several times! “Luke, use the
force.” “Luke, trust me.” “Remember, the force will be with you. Always.” It
kinda ties back to that whole line of, “If you strike me down, I shall become
more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” To me, that always meant that
he could continue to help and guide Luke but free of the limitation of the
flesh. He was still with Luke, just in a different form. Obi-wan didn’t just
drop out of the story, like Han Solo, never to be seen or heard from ever
again. Just gone! Just dead as a doornail!
Even Qui-Gon kinda managed to reach
over from the dead, when Yoda explained Qui-Gon had reached out to him during
his meditation. So, a lot of characters who seem to die don’t really die, not
really, they just advance to a different plane of existence. And, you can see them
in the freaking film! Obi-Wan shows up as a spirit in Empire Strikes Back. And
then, Vader (Anakin), Obi-Wan and Yoda appear at the end of Return of the Jedi.
In fact, the
only thing that kept me in my seat was I kept hoping that we would get to see
or hear something that Han was somehow okay but maybe in a different form, like,
I don’t know, maybe Leia could have a dream about him and he could come talk to
her in the dream and say he was okay and hanging out with Obi-Wan and the gang
and they’re all gonna go get drunk in the spirit realm bar and go hell raising
and girl chasing. Is that too much to ask??????
And it
wouldn’t have bothered me so much if Han Solo had died in, uh, I don’t know,
maybe an actual fight. No, he just gets impaled with a lightsaber by some
whiny, little brat who apparently has some teenage angst and seems to idolize
his grandfather’s mask. As far as what Kylo-Ren’s issues are, exactly, I’m not
sure. Apparently, he feels his grandfather was really awesome but doesn’t seem
to have any actual vision or plans for the galaxy. I mean, it wasn’t even his
idea to fire the “SUPER-LASER” from the really big-ass death star. That was
some other guy’s idea, to strike at the Republic, to cut off the Republic’s
senate etc. Kylo-Ren’s biggest thing is that, “He can feel the pulse of the
light.” Okay.
The young
Darth Vader felt that the universe was a place of chaos and disorder, and he
believed that peace could be achieved through a dictatorship with fear keeping
everyone in line.
In short,
when that scene happened, when Han Solo got killed, I literally felt ill. I
mean. Literally. I walked out of that theater feeling like someone just kicked
me in the stomach. I was mad about it all day, and the only question I kept
coming back to was, why???? Why?? It added nothing to the story!!! Nothing!!!!
You could just cut that scene out, and the story does not change at all. It’s
like everyone involved in this project was just like, “Hey, you know what would
be funny? If we just kill Han Solo. Yeah, that would be totally cool and funny.
Let’s do it.”
I just have
one question for the people who put this film together. You do understand that
the point is to sell tickets and entertain people, right? Not flip off your
fans with this giant middle finger of a film.
I mean,
seriously, that’s how I felt. I felt like this film was just a giant middle finger
to all Star Wars fans. Oh, do you like Star Wars? Oh, here’s a giant middle
finger in your face! Blam!!!
I mean, let’s
just go off topic for a minute, shall we? Let’s talk about the Star Trek films.
Now, I don’t know that much about the Star Trek films, but I do remember when
Spock died. Now, that was really, really sad. But he sacrificed himself to save
everyone else on the ship. If I remember correctly, he went into this
radioactive room and fixed something that saved everyone else. And then he told
Jim, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.”
I mean, that
broke my heart, but it was beautiful. And for crying outloud, at least they
gave Spock a funeral! “Out of all the souls I encountered in the universe, his
was the most…human.”
Even Darth
Vader got a Viking style type funeral, where Luke Skywalker burned his remains!
And then,
when Queen Amidala died of…what was it….despair??? Yeah, you don’t die from
despair. You don’t die from despair…I don’t care how freakin’ sad you are. You
don’t die from despair. (Anyway, I’m not going into all the things that bugged
me about the prequels.) At least she got a funeral at the end. We had a moment
to bury this character.
What do we
get with Han Solo? He gets impaled with a light-saber before falling off a
bridge.
And then the
movie wastes no time in grieving for the guy. Oh no, let’s just move on here!
Nothing to see here! Now, let’s have some light-saber fight between Kylo Ren and
Rey. And what was with the chest pounding???? Is Kylo Ren part gorilla or
something??? Does he think he’s King Kong or Tarzan or something? “Me bad guy.
Me kill Han Solo.” Yeah, great, thank you, Tarzan. You gonna cry again, you
little bitch? Are you gonna throw another temper tantrum with your light-saber??
I read one
review the night before I saw the movie, just to make sure I wasn’t going to see
Jar-Jar Binks step in poop. (I’m not even going to justify that character with
a comment.) And the reviewer said that Kylo Ren brought rage to ever single
scene he was in. Uh….what????? Now, I admit, the character started off kinda
cool. The scenes between Poe and Kylo Ren were totally awesome! And I loved how
he stopped that laser blast in mid-air. Awesome!!!!!
Oh, my God,
and how cute was that little droid? I think his name was PB8, I think. The
thumbs up with the lighter was totally cool!
I mean, the
whole movie was just so freakin’ awesome until they took a major left turn.
Like I said,
the entire movie rocked until the scene where Han died. And then, you’re just
like WTF?????? And I couldn’t believe the movie had the nerve to just keep
going. Like, okay, here’s the next scene, where Rey and Kylo Ren get in a
light-saber fight. Ooo, aren’t you impressed? No, you have some explaining to
do, movie!!! You need to go back and address this whole Han Solo just got
impaled with a light saber scene here. Can we have a moment of silence or
something? Can I have a moment to mourn a character who has existed in my head
for almost forty years now? For crying outloud! Star Wars came out in 1977! And
in case you didn’t know this, Han Solo is a little popular with people. Just a
little. Now, if you’re gonna kill the guy, can we have a second to process
this???? I mean, you just kicked me in the gut and flipped me off? Can I have a
second to try and grapple with this scene?
What?? Was I
supposed to just know this already???? What? Is this my fault that I didn’t
read every article and blog out there about the rumors around Star Wars???
I saw this
movie almost twelve hours ago, and I’m still furious about it!
I keep
trying to tell myself that maybe it’s not true. Maybe Han Solo will rise out of
the ashes, dust himself off and say, “I feel terrible.”
But, even if
that were true, and he really does live somehow in the sequel, they should have
done something to give us a glimmer of hope. Like Leia saying something to Rey
like, “He’s not dead. I can feel it.”
In
conclusion, I started off really loving this movie! I was laughing! I was
cheering! I was awe-struck! I was, in short, totally impressed with what they
had done with Star Wars. I was ready to get back in line and see it again. I
mean, seriously, when I was watching the movie, the thought kept crossing my
mind, “Man, I wonder if they’re sold out for tonight’s shows. I need to see
this again!”
But when
they killed Han, I could not get out of that theater fast enough when the credits started, and I have no
plans to see it again. In fact, I’m not even sure I’ll buy the DVD, and that
was going to be a no-brainer when that hit the shelves! I mean, I even bought
the prequels, and I wasn’t that huge of a fan of those movies, even though I
did like the costumes.
So, that’s
my rant. I might have a drink tonight, and I don’t really drink.
